Break

I had to laugh the other day when I heard someone say they really needed a break. Of course they meant a holiday, a chance to get away from the norm. Maybe they had a beach in their mind or just some peace and quiet something we all crave at times.

Yet I laughed because I wonder if she really meant that she needed a break or like many words it was used in a wrong context. I’m not correcting her grammar or becoming the word police for me it was just a wonder if she really knew how it felt to have a break and I prayed that she didn’t.

break verb (END)

B2 [I or T] to destroy or end something, or to come to an end: 

 

IMG_0976break

‘Break’ is one of those dual purpose words where the context is needed to really understand.

The break of dawn, the glory of our father as the sun rises in the sky the gift of a new day.

The break in a bone, a painful injury that takes time to heal.

A break in the heart, something forever fragmented.

My mind was whirling filled with random thoughts and a symphony of emotions.  There was no Mozart just a clashing of notes so truly out of key.

You see I have a break,

A heart so broken it now beats to a different drum.

The melody of grief

The chorus of missing.

I pray that this lady got her break, her time needed to refresh and recharge her heart.

I pray that her life is filled with love and laughter.

But still I break 

Piece by piece my heart erodes like an ocean beating against fractured cliffs  slowing dropping pieces away deep in the shadows.

But the shadows hold no fear for me because as each fragment drops  and like the tears from my eyes my father catches them all.

Holding my heart in his hands cherishing, loving , promising that one day I will be whole.

That one day my heart will not hold a break but will be full of joy and peace.

If I am to break I am so grateful it is into the arms of our Saviour.

One who was broken for us.

 

 


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Plan

So God, why did this happen?

Why did I have to lose my child?

Ive searched ,the depths of my heart, the boundaries of my mind and I still have no answers,

Why my beautiful daughter?

Why my sweet little girl?

This cannot be part of the plan?

All my life I had searched for purpose then I held my first daughter in my arms and I had found the reason, the reason to be, a reason to breathe.

Three more reasons later my heart sang with the harmony found in the gift of motherhood.

Even when disability entered our lives my heart was at peace.

Caring, loving, mothering I felt complete.

Living on the breath of maternal love.

So why did the plan have to change?

Why did my heart have to break?

I didn’t know then,

I still don’t know now,

My mind wrestles with searching.

My heart aches with hurting.

Now as I watch the boy sleep,

A boy that had no home, has now a forever home in my heart.

A place to call home a family to call his.

Was this the plan?

I know that God didn’t take to give.

Still as the poppy that blooms in the battle field we can find find joy in the pain.

Light in the darkness.

Peace in the promise.

Faith in the father.

Faith in the father

37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39New Living Translation (NLT)

 

Joining in again with Five Minute Friday, pop over and read some more #fmfparty blogs.


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Faux pas

I did something so embarrassing yesterday I was actually horrified. It was only embarrassing because the other party found it funny but in fact it could have been perceived in a very different way.

I sent a text message to the wrong person. It was a simple five word message that could because it was in a different context, have caused pain.

I do love my mobile phone, the freedom of just sending of a quick text has really freed up a lot of my time. That quick text to say I’m on my way or the kids text telling me they have reached their friends safely. Honestly at times its been a lifesaver but yesterday I realised I had become complacent with the use of my phone. Yesterday’s faux pas was caused by me trying to do two things at the same time.

This left me thinking a lot last night how the art of true communication has become rather secondly in my life.

The fact that I didn’t stop to take the time to send my text to the right person actually meant that I hadn’t shown enough thought for the person the text was actually meant for.

What if God was like this, what if he only listened to half of our prayers or only gave his love when it was convenient.

Would he been saying “whoopsie my bad”.

God gave all, he sent down his only son to die a painful death because be loved us, yet I couldn’t concentrate long enough to send a text message.

Yesterday’s mix up has really made me look closely at some of my communication habits and I’ve realised I’ve picked up a few bad ones along the way.

Updating facebook before updating my loved ones.

Not calling or texting personality with news isn’t ok.

Using my phone to check social media when I have company.

Is this saying I find my online friends more important that you here and now.

I’m sure there may be a few more.

The invention of the mobile phone and the use of social media has brought many advantages to my life and I am truly grateful for the use of it all.

Still I shouldn’t get complacent with it.

I should monitor every word I text, tweet, upload as I do every spoken word.

Take time to check before I send, because words in all forms matter.

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday, one I know I need to remember.

 


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Open

I was about 17 years old when God asked me to open my heart again.

The loss of my grandfather when i was 11 was my final straw and I had completely shut my heart down.

I didn’t want to feel,

I didn’t want to hurt.

Yet here was God asking me unlock the chains I had closed around my heart.

I remember challenging his words,

Really?

Why should I?

It hurts

Its hard.

It was then that I learned my greatest lesson of all time,

Love and pain walk hand in hand

What?

Really?

How crazy is that,

My 17 year self raged against God.

“Well forget love then”

“Who needs to love then”

God knew my heart, he knew that I was desperate to know love, to feel loved, to have someone who was mine.

After fighting against him for a year or so, running away from others, pushing people away, I finally found love.

My husband saw my fear and didn’t give up on  me.

He saw through the pretence to the truth.

Slowly I learned to open my heart, allowed myself to feel.

To unlock the chains one by one.

To experience the wonder of a heart thats open.

My life has been full of so much pain, but finding the courage to open my heart again has meant that is has also been full of love too.

 

 


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Dancing with Jesus

I had to tell my daughter some sad news yesterday about the passing of someone we knew. I wasn’t sure how she would respond she has faced so much her loss in her young life.

Again she amazed me in her wise way with the words “such joy, she is dancing with Jesus now”.

I hate that my girls have faced so much sorrow in their lives, death is something we should only really have to think on as we age.

Yet I do love my daughters view on death and loss. She tells me she doesn’t grieve for the loss because we know that they are not gone from us. “I grieve for the missing”. 

How true is this?

We know that one day we will all be reunited.

That death has no sting, so we can rejoice in the promise.

But it is the right here, right now we miss them.

We miss the sound of their voices, the touch of their hand, their laughter, their smell and so much more.

We grieve for the now, the present.

Yet how short will this lifetime seem when we are together in eternity?

I sat cuddling with my daughter for a while. When she turned to me and said “knowing doesn’t stop the pain though mom” 

“I know my darling” I answered.

But it stops it from consuming you though because we have hope”. 

My wise little owl how true are her words.

I often wonder where these thoughts come from.

She uplifts me in ways she will never know, never understand.

Losing Livvy nearly did consume me but my girls, my precious girls they are my hope and together we trust in Jesus.

hope

 


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When

When I stood There beside you and said I will.

When two became one for eternity.

When the tears fell down your face as you became Daddy.

From the tired smiles from a long day at work.

To the twinkle of your eyes as you tease your girls.

When I see you now my heart still skips a beat.

Nearly 20 years together but still so very new.

I didn’t believe in true love until I met you.

When you stole my heart so quickly and completely.

When I fell in love with the good and the bad

The unique combination that makes you.

When I find myself lying awake just to hear you breathe.

Just reaching out reassured that you are by my side.

To the smile that reaches my face when your key hits the door.

The tingle that goes up my spine when you reach for me to hold.

You hand in mine.

My heart is yours forever more.

When God blessed me with you.

I learned that true love was not a myth

But a true and God sent gift.

 

IMG_2457

My gift

 


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Even when it hurts..

I have coughed so hard this weekend that I honestly believed I may have cracked a rib. Every breath I took was harsh and painful. Yet even though the coughing was painful I knew i needed it to clear my chest.

Life is like this sometimes we have to go through stages that bring us pain to reach the places we really want to be.

The places we deserve to be.

Cutting away at the dead foliage to allow the new shoots to bud and blossom.

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It’s these times when the pain is raw and the wounds are open that I give thanks to God.

In the midst of the darkness I know he is my light.

Like the stars that light the nights sky he is my compass, my navigation tool.

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The decisions I make are based on his truth.

The life I live is in hope to bring him glory.

Of course I mess up.

Sometimes I do it in style.

My emotions cloud my judgement, anger hides my compassion.

It is in these times I have to clear my chest, cough up my sin and pray for grace.

Ask for forgiveness, knowing that because of love I am already forgiven.

Walking through the pain with my hand in his.

Suffering can refine us rather than destroy us because God himself walks with us in the fire.

Timothy Keller


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When you are too tired to pray.

When you brain is crying out for peace.

When your heart aches for rest.

When your body begs to be still.

What do you do?

Who do you turn?

2015 has started hard.

I’m running on empty already.

Sickness, special needs and sleeplessness have all played their part in this play called exhaustion.

My mind just cannot switch off, my list of to dos just gets longer.

I’m struggling to remember where I’m supposed to be whilst holding a bowl for a vomiting child.

24 hours of a day needs to be 25 but in all honesty would that be enough.

I’m writing this at 5am not because I’m an early riser but because I haven’t been to sleep yet.

I feel broken

What do you do when your words of inspiration don’t inspire anymore?

When scripture feels empty on your tongue.

13 For I can do everything through Christ,[a] who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13NLT

Can I.

Can I really I cry out to the Lord, I can I shout out that seriously I have no strength.

I’m to tired to read.

To tired to pray.

I lie in my bed begging sleep to come, for my mind to be at rest.

When I hear him.

“You don’t have to read

You don’t have pray

All you have to do is know I am with you.

Allow your heart the freedom of trust and allow me to stand with you.

There are times in life when you don’t know how to you are going to face the next day.

When you are so tired you cannot remember your own name.

Don’t stress about the words,

Just know.

Know that when you can’t be I can

When you are weary I am your strength.

You are NOT alone”

(null)


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Share

If only I could share one more moment with her.

Make one more memory

Have one more hug.

These are the broken thoughts rolling around in my mind this week.

The missing just feels so strong.

Every beat of my heart echoes her name.

I see the laughter of her sisters and wish she was here to share in it.

The radio plays a song I know she would have loved.

A meal she would have enjoyed.

A outfit she would have worn.

The missing is like a scent that is following me everywhere.

A fragrance flowing on the wind straight to my heart.

We needed more time,

I wasn’t ready for you to go.

We had so much left to share.

It’s hard to let go of the could have beens, the should have beens,

To accept that there is no more.

Maybe after 6 years I should be ready to let go.

But no the scent still lingers on.

Her essence is still tied to my soul,

She is the missing piece of my heart

Beating in heaven.

IMG_3405.JPGl

Joining in with Five minute Friday. This weeks word was Share, pop over and read some more fantastic posts.


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Send

It’s the button I always think twice about pressing.

Double checking before I allow my words to flow out over the air.

Am I sure I have written what I mean?

Will my words cause offence?

Do others really understand?

You see words have an impact even when we don’t wish them to.

To be truthful even the words we don’t write can hurt someone’s heart.

The forgotten thank you’s, missing wishes and so many more.

So when we press send are we sure our words have been written in truth.

Not full of anger or lies.

It’s a scary place now the internet everything published can never be fully lost.

That status written in anger.

That comment full of jealousy.

There are no take backs or do overs.

Hurtful words can only be forgiven not forgotten.

hurtful words

The send button should be our final frontier.

The barrier at which we call ourselves in check.

Will our words lift another?

Will they comfort an aching heart

Bring a smile to a sad face,

Make one feel less alone?

Will they update family and friends or engage in a fun conversation?

If not maybe we shouldn’t hit send

Our words are our responsibility

Let’s use them wisely.

 

responsibility

A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!

(‭James‬ ‭3‬:‭3-5‬ MSG)

 


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