More than I can handle

Sometimes I read a blog post that makes me shout and scream with joy.

The words just reach deep into my heart and stir my spirit.

Today this post by the beautiful Kirsten Welch did just that.

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” is a saying that has a tore at my soul for years.

I have often wondered where in the bible this came from as I had never found this promise.

In fact as Kirsten states quite the opposite is told to us.

We are told we will suffer.

As I learned the news of my daughters diagnoses I cried out against the untruth.

God I cannot handle this.

As I found out about the lifelong nature of my illness. I prayed

God I cannot handle this.

When I lost my beautiful daughter I screamed at heaven

God I cannot handle this.

The lies of this untruth strangled me to the point of succumbing.

It was then I heard Gods promise.

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33 NIV

The bible tells us of many who suffered, tortured, crucified.

Yet this world does not have the victory.

Jesus overcame this world.

We have the promise of eternity.

We have Gods promise.

revelation 21;4

 

I still cry out to the Lord of the pain and suffering I witness in this world.

From the girl whose childhood is robbed.

To the man lost to drugs.

From the empty arms of a grieving mother.

To the man the beheaded for his faith.

I will cry out.

But in the midst of devastation we remember the resurrection.

And the truth

“I have overcome the world”

Notice

For the last few weeks I feel as if I’ve been a journey.

A journey with no real directions.

Its not that I have felt lost, just not really sure where I am going.

I often wonder if anyone really understands my mind.

If anyone really gets me.

I found myself saying to my kids one day that I could just walk out and no one would notice.

It felt as if it didn’t matter if I was there anymore.

I  then found myself thinking about Jesus and how rejected he was, how jeered and ignored he must have felt.

Yet all he offered was love.

Even when Judas betrayed him, he loved.

Sometimes being a mom is like that.

You try to do your best but you feel like the world is against you, well you kids thats for sure.

Trying to be the best wife you can but feeling ignored.

I don’t compare parenting or marriage to Jesus but loving on when you feel rejected is hard.

How easy it would be to just give up.

Choose not to care.

Pretend to not bother.

Not notice.

But you can’t because being a wife meaning working on your promise.

Being a parent is loving unconditionally

Just like Jesus always does for us.

We mess up.
We ignore him

Yet he always loves us.

So right now when I am feeling a little directionless,

I will follow him and hope that someday soon I will find my way.

 

Turn

It hurts like crazy.

My breath is struggling to escape.

My head is spinning

My heart is broken.

Six years

Six long years since Jesus called my baby home.

Its hard to know how to feel.

What to say

What to do.

Why does the anniversary of her death feel so different?

Its just another day she is gone.

The pain in my chest is growing

I don’t know where to turn

But I know who to turn to.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

 

Dear Lord

Please hold my Olivia in your arms.

Keep her safe and happy until i get to hold her again.

Soothe the wounds of our broken hearts, 

Her dear sisters, her daddy and I.

The pain of missing her is so unbearable.

Let us turn our eyes to you and stay in the faith and trust that in you there is no death.

Stand on the promise that one day we will all be together again.

Amen

 

 

 

One day I will hold her again.

One day I will hold her again.

 

 

18 years of love

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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  

1 Corinthians 13 4-7

Dare

Something has changed inside of me these last few weeks.

I’m not sure why

I’m not sure how

I just know my heart is different.

I’m daring to dream again.

That may sound crazy as everyone is supposed to have hopes and dreams but I can honestly say that something somewhere took this away from me.

I would hope and dream for others but never for myself.

Never believed I could be more.

Never trusting i could soar.

Broken promises, broken dreams.

I am finally learning to fly again.

Slowly spreading my wings.

Catching the currents

Ready to race through the sky.

Learning to love myself again.

Daring to dream.

Hope is blossoming in my soul.

Faith is burning in my heart.

Belief is the slowly reaching my mind.

I can

I will

I dare.

 

 

New

I often watch people’s joy at the birth of a new baby. I see in their smile the hope of a new life . Their eyes hold a wishfulness of a new beginning.

Yet we are all new in Christ.

When I became a Christian I realised that over night I wasn’t going to become perfect no one can be.

Perfect died on the cross.

What I did realise that when I messed up and I knew I would I had the promise of forgiveness, the gift of compassion.

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

I learned that each day was a new beginning if I so wished.

That tomorrow’s mess was past.

This knowledge gives me courage to try again.

It gives me the strength to try things new.

To be brave.

To be strong.

It also the greatest reminder to show compassion to give forgiveness.

Everyone gets a new beginning in Christ.

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View

One of my favourite ways to make decisions in life is to imagine myself at the gates of heaven.

Just bare with me here and my pearly gates vision.

I’m just looking back at my life all have i achieved and the choices i have made.

I ask myself the question.

Would I like the view?

 

Do i appreciate all that i have?

Supported ,guided, encouraged all that I can?

Loved and cherished all those I should?

 

Will I be looking back on this or that situation and realise that I chose selfishly.

Wishing that that I had given more time.

Regretting time wasted?

 

One of the biggest awakenings I had from raising a severely disabled daughter was that there was no promise of tomorrow.

That at any moment we could lose her.

This changed us as a family.

This made us appreciate the gift of each moment.

We never forget to say I love you.

We focus on people not things.

Life was not about how much money we could earn but the hearts we could fill.

 

Sometimes its so easy to get dragged down by the stresses and questions in life.

But honestly sometimes the answers come from just changing your view.

Life is a gift and personally the best things about gifts is that I can share them with others.

I hope when I stand at those gates of heaven my life will be testimony to this.

 

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Move

Have you ever wanted to pack up your life and start afresh somewhere else?

I have, in fact I often still do.

Many years ago my husband and I nearly moved away from our home towns.

Started a new life somewhere completely different.

We looked at homes and we searched for jobs.

But we didn’t go.

The idea of separating our children from their grandparents held us back.

We often wonder if we made the right decision but I guess we will never know.

When I have regrets i remind myself  of

 

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. New International Version (NIV)

 

Then I ask myself the questions.

What are God’s plans for me.?

Where should i be right now?

Am I fulfilling his wishes or do i need move somewhere different?

 

I honestly wish I had a guide book for life.

Something with answers.

Go take that job.

Go move there.

Do this.

Do that.

 

Life often overwhelms me.

The vastness of decisions i have to make.

The weight of responsibly

The hope of purpose.

 

Sometimes I long to start again.

To go somewhere where no one knows me.

To turn the page.

 

Yet that isn’t meant to be.

I have to trust that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

His plans are always to prosper us.

This i trust.

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