Open

I was about 17 years old when God asked me to open my heart again.

The loss of my grandfather when i was 11 was my final straw and I had completely shut my heart down.

I didn’t want to feel,

I didn’t want to hurt.

Yet here was God asking me unlock the chains I had closed around my heart.

I remember challenging his words,

Really?

Why should I?

It hurts

Its hard.

It was then that I learned my greatest lesson of all time,

Love and pain walk hand in hand

What?

Really?

How crazy is that,

My 17 year self raged against God.

“Well forget love then”

“Who needs to love then”

God knew my heart, he knew that I was desperate to know love, to feel loved, to have someone who was mine.

After fighting against him for a year or so, running away from others, pushing people away, I finally found love.

My husband saw my fear and didn’t give up on  me.

He saw through the pretence to the truth.

Slowly I learned to open my heart, allowed myself to feel.

To unlock the chains one by one.

To experience the wonder of a heart thats open.

My life has been full of so much pain, but finding the courage to open my heart again has meant that is has also been full of love too.

 

 


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Dancing with Jesus

I had to tell my daughter some sad news yesterday about the passing of someone we knew. I wasn’t sure how she would respond she has faced so much her loss in her young life.

Again she amazed me in her wise way with the words “such joy, she is dancing with Jesus now”.

I hate that my girls have faced so much sorrow in their lives, death is something we should only really have to think on as we age.

Yet I do love my daughters view on death and loss. She tells me she doesn’t grieve for the loss because we know that they are not gone from us. “I grieve for the missing”. 

How true is this?

We know that one day we will all be reunited.

That death has no sting, so we can rejoice in the promise.

But it is the right here, right now we miss them.

We miss the sound of their voices, the touch of their hand, their laughter, their smell and so much more.

We grieve for the now, the present.

Yet how short will this lifetime seem when we are together in eternity?

I sat cuddling with my daughter for a while. When she turned to me and said “knowing doesn’t stop the pain though mom” 

“I know my darling” I answered.

But it stops it from consuming you though because we have hope”. 

My wise little owl how true are her words.

I often wonder where these thoughts come from.

She uplifts me in ways she will never know, never understand.

Losing Livvy nearly did consume me but my girls, my precious girls they are my hope and together we trust in Jesus.

hope

 


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When

When I stood There beside you and said I will.

When two became one for eternity.

When the tears fell down your face as you became Daddy.

From the tired smiles from a long day at work.

To the twinkle of your eyes as you tease your girls.

When I see you now my heart still skips a beat.

Nearly 20 years together but still so very new.

I didn’t believe in true love until I met you.

When you stole my heart so quickly and completely.

When I fell in love with the good and the bad

The unique combination that makes you.

When I find myself lying awake just to hear you breathe.

Just reaching out reassured that you are by my side.

To the smile that reaches my face when your key hits the door.

The tingle that goes up my spine when you reach for me to hold.

You hand in mine.

My heart is yours forever more.

When God blessed me with you.

I learned that true love was not a myth

But a true and God sent gift.

 

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My gift

 


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Even when it hurts..

I have coughed so hard this weekend that I honestly believed I may have cracked a rib. Every breath I took was harsh and painful. Yet even though the coughing was painful I knew i needed it to clear my chest.

Life is like this sometimes we have to go through stages that bring us pain to reach the places we really want to be.

The places we deserve to be.

Cutting away at the dead foliage to allow the new shoots to bud and blossom.

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It’s these times when the pain is raw and the wounds are open that I give thanks to God.

In the midst of the darkness I know he is my light.

Like the stars that light the nights sky he is my compass, my navigation tool.

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The decisions I make are based on his truth.

The life I live is in hope to bring him glory.

Of course I mess up.

Sometimes I do it in style.

My emotions cloud my judgement, anger hides my compassion.

It is in these times I have to clear my chest, cough up my sin and pray for grace.

Ask for forgiveness, knowing that because of love I am already forgiven.

Walking through the pain with my hand in his.

Suffering can refine us rather than destroy us because God himself walks with us in the fire.

Timothy Keller


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When you are too tired to pray.

When you brain is crying out for peace.

When your heart aches for rest.

When your body begs to be still.

What do you do?

Who do you turn?

2015 has started hard.

I’m running on empty already.

Sickness, special needs and sleeplessness have all played their part in this play called exhaustion.

My mind just cannot switch off, my list of to dos just gets longer.

I’m struggling to remember where I’m supposed to be whilst holding a bowl for a vomiting child.

24 hours of a day needs to be 25 but in all honesty would that be enough.

I’m writing this at 5am not because I’m an early riser but because I haven’t been to sleep yet.

I feel broken

What do you do when your words of inspiration don’t inspire anymore?

When scripture feels empty on your tongue.

13 For I can do everything through Christ,[a] who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13NLT

Can I.

Can I really I cry out to the Lord, I can I shout out that seriously I have no strength.

I’m to tired to read.

To tired to pray.

I lie in my bed begging sleep to come, for my mind to be at rest.

When I hear him.

“You don’t have to read

You don’t have pray

All you have to do is know I am with you.

Allow your heart the freedom of trust and allow me to stand with you.

There are times in life when you don’t know how to you are going to face the next day.

When you are so tired you cannot remember your own name.

Don’t stress about the words,

Just know.

Know that when you can’t be I can

When you are weary I am your strength.

You are NOT alone”

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Share

If only I could share one more moment with her.

Make one more memory

Have one more hug.

These are the broken thoughts rolling around in my mind this week.

The missing just feels so strong.

Every beat of my heart echoes her name.

I see the laughter of her sisters and wish she was here to share in it.

The radio plays a song I know she would have loved.

A meal she would have enjoyed.

A outfit she would have worn.

The missing is like a scent that is following me everywhere.

A fragrance flowing on the wind straight to my heart.

We needed more time,

I wasn’t ready for you to go.

We had so much left to share.

It’s hard to let go of the could have beens, the should have beens,

To accept that there is no more.

Maybe after 6 years I should be ready to let go.

But no the scent still lingers on.

Her essence is still tied to my soul,

She is the missing piece of my heart

Beating in heaven.

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Joining in with Five minute Friday. This weeks word was Share, pop over and read some more fantastic posts.


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Send

It’s the button I always think twice about pressing.

Double checking before I allow my words to flow out over the air.

Am I sure I have written what I mean?

Will my words cause offence?

Do others really understand?

You see words have an impact even when we don’t wish them to.

To be truthful even the words we don’t write can hurt someone’s heart.

The forgotten thank you’s, missing wishes and so many more.

So when we press send are we sure our words have been written in truth.

Not full of anger or lies.

It’s a scary place now the internet everything published can never be fully lost.

That status written in anger.

That comment full of jealousy.

There are no take backs or do overs.

Hurtful words can only be forgiven not forgotten.

hurtful words

The send button should be our final frontier.

The barrier at which we call ourselves in check.

Will our words lift another?

Will they comfort an aching heart

Bring a smile to a sad face,

Make one feel less alone?

Will they update family and friends or engage in a fun conversation?

If not maybe we shouldn’t hit send

Our words are our responsibility

Let’s use them wisely.

 

responsibility

A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!

(‭James‬ ‭3‬:‭3-5‬ MSG)

 


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My word for 2015

I feel I may be cheating a little with my word of the year as I have actually chosen words, with another here over on my other blog.

Yet after struggling to find one at all I was surprised when a second fell into my thoughts.

It’s not easy finding a word that holds all your heart and thoughts within it, but I do honestly feel that this word is perfect for this new year.

peace

Peace, what  a beautiful word.

Within the five letters it holds so many meanings.

Its hope,

Its tranquility

It’s what we all crave.

So this year PEACE is something I am going to be praying hard for.

Peace for the world, for wars to end, the hungry to be fed and for hearts to heal.

I want to hear stories of unity not separation.

Laughter not sadness.

I want every life to matter, regardless of colour, gender or religion.

I want hopes and dreams to be for all.

Safety, security, normality.

I pray for peace for my friends, those that are grieving.

I want peace on the hearts of those fighting health battles, peace and strength to aid them as they overcome.

I pray for peace for my friends those whose daily lives involve constant battles fighting for the health and wellbeing  of their disabled children.

For wisdom and understanding on policy makers, government officials. Let their focus be on people not budgets.

And for me personally I want peace on my heart.

I want to win the battle against anxiety.

Letting go of the cannot’s and believing in the can do’s.

I want peace on my past, to allow my heart to heal.

So yes I think Peace is the perfect word for 2015.

I want PEACE in the hearts of all.

11 Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

2 Corinthians 13:11


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Dear Grief

Dear Grief

For six longs years I have known your name.  

I cannot say we have become friends because friendship should never feel like this.

I’m not sure how I feel about you, 

Are you honour or are you just pain?

 

You twist around my chest pulling tight until i can barely breathe. 

It’s as if with every twist you are reminding me of my beautiful daughter. 

Honestly dear grief I could never forget.

 

You are there in the deep ache of my soul,

The missing beat of my heart.

You are the empty place at my table,

The missing smile from my photographs.

 

From the moment I awake to the second I fall asleep you come to visit.

You often invade my dreams torturing me with broken promises. 

Livvy comes so close only to just fall out of my reach.

 

How do I describe you Dear grief?

I think I know you so well but honestly I don’t know you at all.

You throw the hardest curveball i know, spinning my heart on a axis.

Unprepared, unexpected.

You shoot arrows straight to my heart, with shots Robin hood would be proud of.

Breaking my soul, my resolve, piece by piece.

 

So do I describe you as pain?

Aching torture?

I truly don’t know.

You have me twisting and turning with indecision.

I feel as if I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, 

Ready to fall into the abyss of missing.

 

So are you really pain or are you love?

A love that is eternal.

Are you simply the missing of beautiful Livvy?

The ache so deep that only she can fill.

Are you here to honour her?

deargrief2

 

 

Dear Grief, I do not know the answers.

All i know for sure is that you and I will spend a lifetime together.

That you will always be in every beat of my heart.

In my every breathe.

We are entwined until that precious moment.

That wondrous promised moment

When my arms will hold her again.

Then I will say goodbye.

Farewell dear grief

Hello my Olivia.

 

 

*This was written to link up with Kate Motaung and her link up Letters to grief. Kate has published a ebook and today over at Amazon you can purchase it for 77p. I have read this book with tears flowing down my face. It is truly beautiful and so worth a read.

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Adore

The season is in full bloom, trees are up and decorations a plenty.

People running around fetching the last of their gifts prepping for the Christmas dinner.

Excitement is edged with exhaustion.

Children cant wait for Santa, adults for a few days rest.

All in expectation

All full of anticipation

How did Mary feel this time all those years ago?

Was she full of anticipation or pure exhaustion.

She must of known her time was near.

What was she expecting?

Was she afraid?

I connect deeply with Mary, the strength to trust when trusting isn’t easy.

To live in hope.

I often think of that day that changed her life.

The day she said yes.

Mary was the beginning of a love story.

Yet not in the tradition sense.

From humble beginnings a king was born.

From a manager to cross.

A life of miracles and truth

To a death full of pain and lies.

Then on

To a resurrection full of hope.

Full of promise.

Christmas is a season of anticipation.

One brimming with joy.

Yet beyond the tinsel and mulled wine let us remember the true meaning of this season.

The true reason for the celebration.

The birth of Jesus

The hope for the world.

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Joining in with Five Minute Friday
Over with Kate Motaung

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